I do not mean to make light of the pain of loss we each feel when someone we care about has gone from us.  Nay.  But too much energy is spent on healing the grieving, asking them to move beyond the loss.  So much so that the focus of death has changed from one of joy for the life spent with us to one of denial of that existence.

To that end, I speak out.  My roots are that of an Irish Catholic.  But I have also attend other Christian services for those of different ancestries.  And I have experienced two vast extremes.  The media portrayal of an Italian funeral, with the black clothing which is torn at in rage and pain, of the screams and shrieking wails, is, to my experience, very accurate.  And very, very depressing.  I much prefer the Irish way.

When my mother passed on, as with my paternal grandfather, family and friends gathered together after the funeral at a bar.  (Strangely enough, the same bar though there was 30 years apart from the two events.)  We ate; we drank; and we consoled each other.  And then we began the celebration.  To remember the person - the good and the terrible.  To see the individual as others saw them.  To know them better in death than perhaps we knew them in life.  In such a way that they live on still, in our hearts and in the stories we shared.

I was not close to my mother.  And some of the terrible stories I remembered, things done, changed in my mind as I heard how my siblings reacted to those same times.  I was never close to her but feel that I understand her better now.  And wish that I could have known her has they knew her.  But that is not to be.  But I still have their stories, and they have mine.

I don’t go to graveyards.  I never have.  I have never believed that the dead are there waiting to talk to us.  I have found no solace or comfort sitting next to a cold stone, or standing over silent earth.  It is my belief that the dead die from us only when we forget them.  That is why legends live on, so that we might always remember.

But I digress.  We need to begin a closure when we have felt a loss.  A family member, a lover, a friend, an acquaintance, even a pet.  All life needs to be recognized when it passes on that we may remember.

Death comes into our lives in many ways.  It can be a loss we experience directly.  It can be the loss experienced by a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker.  It can be the loss of a celebrity whose works moved you in some manner.  It can be the witnessing of death through an accident, or the fluttering wing of a bird passing beyond this life.

Death can be experienced by the hunter, as well as by the hunted.  Death can be the loss of a being, or the loss of a relationship.  Something has ended and will be no longer.  But how we choose to remember the person, how we choose to deal with the loss, is as equally important as the life shared.

I will not provide you with a ritual.  That is something very personal, and very private.  What I can provide is some inspirational readings to assist you.  To give some guidance on how to deal with either your loss or that of another.  And to give you a guided journey to help you remember so that the dead never die in your hearts.
 

INSPIRATIONAL READINGS

Dealing With A Loss.

As I write this section, I must deal with my own loss - or rather a loss that I will be experiencing shortly.  While many people have wished they could spend one more day with a person they have lost, I have been fortunate to have had today.  And if I am blessed, there will be another day next week before he is gone.

Even now, I feel so much pain and yet I was granted the gift of one more day, a day in which we knew may very well have been our last.  A day we spent doing the things we always did when we got together; a day of normalcy.  Tears are falling as I write this; and more tears will come later after he is gone.

I write of this here because a lot of people I know become uncomfortable around the dying.  They hide and shut away their emotions as if denying the end will somehow stay the inevitable.  And in the end, they cheat both themselves and the dying out of "one more day."  Should you find yourself in such a situation, always take the time for one more day.  To be as you were with each other, and to say good-bye.  Do not deny yourself of one last time to say the things that have been left unsaid; one last time to tell the person of what they have meant in your life.

Don’t close them off from humanity.  Being there with them, creating and sharing memories, is not pity but kindness and love.  It is the final gift to give someone who has been an important part of your life.

How I will miss him when he is gone.

But enough of this.  His fate is with the gods now and I cannot do anything to change it.  Indeed, what could I change?  That he live through yet another heart attack, live through more pain?  And how much more pain will others feel, knowing that he still lives only to die again?

Sorry.  I’d better move on.  But I wrote of this so that you know that death can strike unexpectedly and with little notice.  For each person you care about, as you spend time with them, treat that time as if it may be the last you’ll be together.  For all you know, it very well may be.
 

The Grief Process.

My perspective on this next section is with generalizations of American society.  It is not intended to apply to other cultures, though it may apply for certain European countries.

What should you know about grief?  To begin with, everyone experiences grief differently.  Grieving varies depending upon the age of the person as well as the gender.  It will vary depending upon lifestyle and whether there are those to turn to for support.  As mentioned above, even religion and heritage will have an impact upon the grief process.  Even the manner in which the death occurred will impact upon the process.

Surviving a loss becomes worse if the survivor was part of a couple.  All of a sudden, relationships defined as being part of a couple are changed.  Other couples become uneasy with the survivor.  The survivor may have viewed others as friends when in fact the others considered themselves only friends of the person who has died.  There is no longer a couple to interact with, and the survivor becomes isolated from a previous circle of friends and acquaintances.

With regard to gender, American society has placed a heavy burden upon the male population.  Men aren’t allowed to show their feelings or even talk about them.  Men aren’t supposed to cry.  Men need to stand strong and carry on with business as usual.  Men seem to be expected to pick up the pieces and move along, and are even sometimes encouraged to replace the person lost with someone new.

But women, especially older women, don’t have it much easier.  Many older women have defined themselves by their relationship with the deceased.  Things such as a shared song or a favorite place may trigger a flood of tears for no apparent reason.  Women tend to withdraw from life while grieving, lost in their pain.

And grief is painful.  And it follows a set pattern.  Some of the steps the grieving person may move through quickly while they may become mired in other steps of the process.  For some the process will not take long while others seem to be caught in it for the remainder of their days.

Grieving is a journey which we all take at certain points within our lives.  As such, understanding the journey is important in helping to heal the loss whether it is your own loss or someone else’s.  It is also important to realize that the grieving process can begin when the person is still living if they are known to be dying soon.

But the grieving journey is not a straight path.  It twists and winds along, doubling back over steps already taken, sometimes missing this step to go here, but then bringing you back to the beginning.  So while I note the steps of the grief process below, please recognize that these are the generalizations of the order and that your journey, or that of someone else, will be different.

The first step is shock.  Someone is dying or someone is dead.  Regardless of how you are told, it is still difficult to comprehend.  Most people move quickly through this stage (usually minutes) and into the next stage.  But others seem to be dazed and unfocused, and this condition can remain for several hours at least.

The next stage is denial.  The person really isn’t dead (or dying); someone made a mistake.  The person can’t be dead because the victim just saw them, spoke with them not long beforehand.  The person just had a physical, or was really into caring for their body.

Next comes the feelings of guilt.  Why is the victim alive and not the other person?  Maybe if the victim had done something differently, or someone else had done something differently, the person would still be alive.  Feelings of guilt also bring up unresolved issues.  Depending upon those issues, this stage could take months to resolve.

Grief is a painful process to undergo.  As part of the mind’s defenses, a sense of detachment sets in to allow the victim to heal and comprehend what has occurred.  Don’t misconstrue this as the person having no feelings or that the journey is over.  It is merely a resting time during the process as the mind seeks to protect and safeguard the victim.

But eventually resentment sets in.  How could the person leave?  Why did God do this?  Who’s going to be there / do this, etc. for the victim?  This becomes even more difficult to go through depending upon the unresolved issues as well as if there are financial matters or hidden issues that the victim must now deal with.

And then there is sorrow.  Sorrow is a pain from the heart, a tearing of the soul.  It is a deep affliction that, unfortunately, no one can take away or lessen.  During this time, more so than any of the previous steps, a person is most likely to turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to relieve the pain.

And finally, there is acceptance.  The person has moved on, and it is time for the victim to move on.  But notice, I do not state it is a time for the victim to forget the person who has died.  This is not acceptance, but a form of denial.  Acceptance is the acknowledgment of a life shared that has since gone.  It is remembering the person, even feeling slight pains of sorrow, but knowing that it is time to move forward with the life left.
 

What Can You Do For Someone Else?

Someone you know has suffered a loss.  What do you do now?  Well, according to the greeting card industry, you send a card.  That’s nice … for a start.  So, what should you do:
 

• As stupid and lame as it sounds, offer the person your condolences.  Tell them, "I’m sorry to have heard about your loss."  That's all you need to say.
• If possible, attend the memorial service and/or funeral.
• Keep in touch with them, and don’t be upset if they forget commitments with you.
• Volunteer to help them out if you see that there is something they need assistance with.
• Be patient with them if they continue to talk about their loss; they need this time and they have chosen to trust you with this.
• Be sensitive to their feelings, and maybe develop a thick skin.  Moods will change sometimes for no apparent reason.  And things said during this time may be regretted by the victim later.
• If the person shares things in confidence with you, keep quiet about it, regardless of what it is unless it is harmful.
• Let the victim cry, and encourage them to cry.
• If the victim wants to move on with their life, let them.  It is their grief and their life, and they will need to retain control of it.
• If you were a friend before, remain a friend.  Things may occur during the grief process that will test your friendship, and the relationship may lessen but it is still important for the victim that you are there for them should they need you.
• Try to involve them in activities they previously participated in.
• Be strong.  Regardless of what you feel, the victim has experienced a far greater loss.  If they turn to you for guidance or comfort, be there for them on their journey.
• If possible, encourage the victim to join a grief support group and/or to read books on the subject.
• Remember the important dates of the deceased if you know them, such as birthday, anniversary date, and death date.  The victim will be glad to know that someone else remembers the deceased as well.
• For many, a gentle touch on the arm or hand can be helpful.
• Ask how the victim is doing, but in such a manner that they can’t answer, "I’m fine."  Victims will tell others they are fine because they don’t want  to burden them.  But don't force the issue.
• Share stories and fond remembrances of the deceased with the victim.
• If the victim was part of a couple, continue to invite them to activities you normally did.  If those are too difficult for the victim, change the activity to accommodate their loss and comfort level.
• And sometimes it is just enough to just be with the person, not to do or say anything but to just "be."

Those are things you should do.  But what ever you do, please DON’T do any of the following:
 

• Don’t tell them about a loss you suffered.  Each of us reacts and grieves differently.
• Don’t retell any medical or death stories that seem similar; the victim doesn’t need to hear this.
• Don't send an email or leave a voice mail message.  Either deliver your condolences in person or write and send a card or letter.
• Don’t share religious beliefs.
• Don’t share your views on death and/or rebirth.
• Don’t offer advice on what to do right now unless the victim specifically asks, and then limit your advice to the topic only.
• Flowers are nice at the memorial service and/or funeral, but they don’t pay the bills.  Burial expenses are costly, and death benefits can sometimes take months to settle.  Take the money you’d spend on flowers and give it to the family instead.
• Don’t expect the victim to just continue on with life as normal.
• Don’t promise or commit to something with the victim unless you’re actually going to do it.
• Don’t pity the victim, nor be overly optimistic and cheerful.
• Don’t try to have the victim talk about their feelings; when they are ready, they will.
• Don't assume that because someone is showing no emotion that they aren't suffering.  Each of us is unique and must grief in our own manner; each individual experienced a different relationship with the deceased.
• Don’t try to remove all belongings of the deceased under the assumption that you are helping the victim with the grief process.  All you have done is to remove any traces of the deceased’s existence which is usually more harmful.  (Middle-aged children seem fond of doing this to a surving elderly parent.)
• Don't avoid important dates of the deceased or expect the survivor to forget them.  A life was lived; honor and respect it.
• If the victim is a male survivor of a couple, don’t assume he can’t keep his own home.  Ask him if he needs help or, better yet, offer help for a specific task if you see that he needs it (but don’t tell him you think he can’t do it).
• If the victim is a survivor of a couple, don’t try to play matchmaker.

What Can You Do For Yourself?
 

• Don’t deny any emotion that comes forward.  Deal with it and resolve it regardless of how long it takes.  Running from it only delays the healing.
• Take care of yourself physically - get enough rest, maintain a good and steady diet, get regular exercise.
• Take care of yourself mentally - don’t isolate yourself from others, deal with things one day at a time, recognize when things are too much, allow others to help.
• Take care of yourself spiritually - even in grief the gods are with us, and as Wiccans we belief that the dead do not die but merely move onto another level of existence until they are reborn again.
• Become knowledgeable on the subject of the grief process.  Read books and articles, talk to others.  If you are having difficulties, see a professional grief counselor or join a grief support group.
• People will do the things on the DON’T list above believing they have your best interests at heart.  Try not to be too harsh with them.  They meant well.
• Recognize the need to cry, and do it.  You don’t have to do it in public, but you do need to do it.
• Don’t isolate yourself; others want to help and to be there for you.  Others are also in pain and may need you to help them.
• Postpone any big decisions until later.
• Deal with your regrets, but do not make them the main focus.  What could have been, may have been, or should have been are in the past and we are no longer able to resolve them..  Focus instead on each day and on your tomorrows.
• Take the time you need to heal.
• Find something that gives you comfort.  As long as you're not hurting yourself (see drugs and alcohol below) or hurting someone else, it shouldn't matter what other people think of whatever this is.
• Talk to someone - a professional, a minister or other spiritual worker, a trusted friend.
• Allow others to share their memories of the deceased with you, for they need to heal as well.
• Become active in your community, but take the time to keep in touch with old friends even if it's just a phone call.
• If you are having trouble, let someone know.  People want to help.
• Drugs and alcohol are a crutch, as is any other addiction.  Don’t let them take control during the grief process.
• Remember the deceased; for while we remember, they never truly die.

A Guided Journey

Settle in somewhere comfortable.  Perhaps you'll want to go to a favorite spot that has special meaning for you.  Where ever you are, be comfortable and at ease.  Try to eliminate distractions and disruptions.

As with everything, begin by centering and grounding.  While centering, take the time to listen to your needs, the pain experienced by your loss.  Let it come forward and greet it as a trusted friend.

When you are ready, begin by simply focusing on a fond memory you have of the deceased.  Remember all aspects of that time.  Where were you, what did your surroundings look like?  What color was the sky, what time of day was it?  What did the deceased look like that day?  What scents were in the air?  Take the time to experience each sense - sight, sound, taste, touch, smell.

Experience and re-live as many of your senses as possible.  And as you breathe, breathe in the essense of that moment.  And remember the moment.  As the moment fades, slowly allow your focus to change.  But retain the essence of the moment within you.

Slowly shift your focus inward, to the essence you have retained.  Feel it swirling and dancing within you, merging in and out of your being.  And within the swirling matter, envision a small beacon of light beckoning you to it.  Continue on within the swirling essence, going deeper within yourself towards the light.

As you continue, the light slowly becomes larger and brighter.  You feel yourself drifting as if upon waves, being carried closed to the light.  And all the while, the essence of the moment continues to dance around you, within and about you.  As you approach the light, you feel the warmth of its radiance.  The warmth embraces you and cloaks itself around you, much as a consoling mother's arms.

And within the light, you feel a pulling of the essence within you, calling it forward.  Slowly, the embrace about you becomes a familar feeling.  Without turning around, you feel the precense of the deceased holding you, calming you, being with you.  And in that moment, your pain is stilled and you exist in the moment.  Time and space have no meaning here; for all that has been and all that will be have merged into this one moment.

Breathe in the moment.  Allow the energies to flow to and from as you are healed and loved.  But this time cannot last forever, and so you slowly return focus back to yourself.  But as you close and return, the warmth of the light remains within your mind; the love shared remains in your heart.  And calmness prevails.
 
 

As each of you experience grief within your lives, I pray the gods be gentle with you.  There is no work to be done for this lesson; life teaches it far better than I.  In parting, I offer these two pieces of advise:
 
• Remember to treat each day as if it may be your last with the people you come into contact with.
• Remember that the dead never truly die while they are remembered by the living.

© 2001 Mother