Illuminati Bavaria Motorcycle Cabal presents
-
The Caustic Mass of the Motorcycle
A Discordian Ritual Celebrating of the Mystical
Union of Bike and Rider
2323232323232323232323232323232323232323232323232323232323
(The DEACON, bearing the BOOK OF THE MOTO (THE
HONEST SHOP MANUAL OF TRUTH), opens the door of the Temple, admits the
Congregation, and takes his/her stand in front of the Altar)
(There should be a doorkeeper to attend to the
admission.)
(The DEACON advances and bows before the open
shrine (Audrey's Beemer? Bergfurer?) where the Graal is exalted.
S/He kisses the BOOK OF THE MOTO (THE HONEST SHOP MANUAL OF TRUTH) three
times, opens it, and places it upon the super-altar. S/He turns and
faces the Congregation.)
DEACON:
"Do it until thou wilt on a HOG without flaw.
I proclaim the Law of Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad in the name of M-O-T-O."
CONGREGATION:
"Cruise is the law, cruise in the wind!"
(Facing the Congregation, the DEACON gives the
step and sign of a Man and a Brother [kick start and peace sign].)
(All imitate him.)
DEACON & CONGREGATION:
"I believe in one secret and ineffable MOTORCYCLE;
the first internal Combustion Engine,
built in Germany in 1885,
Mystery of Mystery,
in It's name BABALON,
And I believe in one Goddess,
ERIS, Goddess of Discord,
who started the Trojan war,
with a golden apple.
Mystery of Mystery,
in Her name CHAOS.
And I believe in the Eye in the Triangle,
Mystery of Mystery,
in His name BAPHOMET.
And I believe in the biker's creed of Freedom,
Independence,
Self-Determination,
and Brotherhood on the Road,
the Word of whose Law is BALANCE.
And I believe in Nothing, Everything is Sacred!
I believe in Everything, Nothing is Sacred!
And, forasmuch as gas and oil are transmuted
in our engines daily
into a force for propulsion,
I believe in the Miracle of the Mass.
And I confess It Is An Ill Wind That Blows No
Minds!
VROOM. VROOM. VROOM."
(Music is now played. - Steppenwolf - Born to
Be Wild?) (Sound of a loud Motorcycle starting up.) (The PRIESTESS enters
from the left riding a Motorcycle, parks in front of the Altar.) (Two Altar
Bros. in Leather follow behind, bearing the Piston-Censor and the Container
of Holy Oil.) (The Altar Bros. stand on either side of the Bike.) (The
PRIESTESS, wearing leathers, lounges on the seat of the bike, posing.)
(The PRIESTESS gives the Hailing Sign of a Brother [peace sign])
PRIESTESS:
(All give the Hailing sign of a Brother [peace
sign], the DEACON leading.)
(The PRIEST staggers in and falls down prostrating
himself in front of the bike.)
(The PRIESTESS traces three crosses ( X ) in
the air over the PRIEST with a large wrench as she recites:)
PRIESTESS:
"In the name of the Wrench of Maintenance
I say unto thee, Arise, Sober Up,
That thou mayest Show the Light unto the Brethren."
(The PRIEST then kneels, and worships the Bike
and the PRIESTESS with both hands.) (Penitential music.) (Cramps - Man-eater?)
PRIEST:
"I am a Poseur among Righteous Bikers."
(The PRIEST stands and takes the Wrench of Maintenance
from the PRIESTESS.)
PRIEST:
"How should I be worthy to Show the Light to
the Brethren?"
(The Altar Bro. bearing the Container of Holy
Oil hands it to the PRIESTESS and she anoints the PRIEST'S forehead.)
PRIESTESS:
"Be the Priest a smooth mover and ever handy
with his wrench, O thou Priest of Two-Wheels!"
(The PRIESTESS hands the Holy Oil back to the
Altar Bro.) (The Altar Bro. bearing the Piston-Censor adds a pinch of special
Illuminati incense to the censor, hands it to the PRIESTESS who then waves
it around the PRIEST.)
PRIESTESS:
"Be the Priest ever Vigilant and Alert, O thou
Priest of the Road!"
(The PRIESTESS hands the censer back to the Altar
Bro.) (The DEACON takes the Consecrated Set of Colors from the High Altar
and hands it to the PRIESTESS.) (She robes the PRIEST in his the Set of
Colors.)
PRIESTESS:
"Be the Priest a Brother and a Righteous Biker,
O thou Priest of the Eye in the Triangle!"
(The DEACON takes the Helmet and Sunglasses from
the Altar, hands it to the PRIESTESS, who then places them upon the PRIEST'S
head.)
PRIESTESS:
"Be the Priest an Independent, Free Thinking
Soul, O thou Priest of the Light!"
(The PRIEST kneels and worships the PRIESTESS
and the Bike.)
THE SAINTS
DEACON:
"Insofar as our trip down the temporal highway
is guided by the tracks left by those Illuminati
of antiquity,
let us now invoke the Saints of the Mass.
We call upon thee:
Adam Weishaupt ( X )"
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"Dr. Albert Hoffman
( X )"
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"Sir Aleister Crowley ( X )"
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"Malaclypse the Younger, ( X )
Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst,
( X )
Robert Anton Wilson, ( X )
Emperor Joshua Norton, ( X )
Bill the Cat, ( X )
and other Holy Prophets of Discordianism and
Keepers of the Sacred Chao!"
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"William S. Burroughs, ( X )
Robert Pirsig, ( X )
Dr. Timothy Leary,
( X )
James Joyce, ( X )
Herman Hesse, ( X )
and many a holy bard who showed us that Language
is a Virus from Outer Space and that the Map is not the Territory."
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"Ken Kesey, ( X
)
Jerry Garcia, ( X )
and many a (un)holy Prankster, Trickster, and
Coyote!"
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"Mother Miles, ( X )
Sonny Barger, ( X )
Johnny and Chino,
( X )
and many a holy Angel in Black Leather that bore
the Cup and Grail against the tyranny of Authority!"
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"Janis Joplin, ( X )
Ruby the Dyke, ( X )
Anita Hoffman, ( X )
Alice B. Toklas,
( X )
and many other Howling Hellcats, Humping a Hot
Hog, on a Roaring Rampage of Rebellion!"
CONGREGATION:
DEACON:
"And all the rest of the addle-pated, greasy-haired,
beer-bellied, booze-chuggin, dope-smokin, shit-kickin, nose-pickin, ass-grabbin,
crotch-sniffin, cocksuckin, clitlickin, muggafuggin, low-life dirtbags
of two-Wheeled Thunder, may their pungent presence suffuse us with the
strength to sustain us in the protracted debauchery of our worship."
CONGREGATION:
THE COMMUNION
(The PRIESTESS holds the Bag of Mystery Hosts
in her right hand and the Quart of Beer in her left hand with raised arms.)
PRIESTESS:
"There is no law beyond Two Wheels Good, Four
Wheels Bad."
(The PRIEST stands up and raises the Wrench of
Maintenance.)
PRIEST:
"IO IO IO, M-O-T-O, IO PAN PANHEAD, IO SHOVELHEAD,
IO BEVELHEAD, IO KNUCKLEHEAD, IO AIRHEAD;
AGUSTAS KYRIE, GUZZI KYRIE,
VINCENS KYRIE; NORTON KYRIE
KAIRE TROMPE, KAIRE SUZUKE, KAIRE HONDOR,
KAIRE KAWASAKI, KAIRE INDIO;
EVO EVO EVO!"
(Arrayed on the Altar are several quarts of beer,
the cheaper the better, and a crumpled paper bag of Mystery Sacrament,
which can be candies, crackers, gummi worms, whatever.
(The Priest takes the Wrench of Maintenance and
blesses the beer and bag.)
PRIEST:
"By the Power of the Rod,
let this batch of Milwaukee's cheapest Swill
be the Motor Oil of Perpetual Motion.
By the Power of the Rod,
let this bag of Mystery Sacrament
be the Substance of Indefatiguable Alloy."
(The PRIESTESS takes a Sacrament from the bag
and pops it into the PRIEST'S mouth)
PRIEST:
(The PRIESTESS pours a paper cup of beer and
hands it to the PRIEST.)
PRIEST:
(The PRIEST faces the congregation and grabs
his crotch.)
PRIEST:
"I'm all revved up and ready to ride!"
CONGREGATION:
(The DEACON grabs each member of the Congregation
who wishes to partake by the collar and hustles him or her to the altar,
where they repeat the Priest's actions and words. After each member
takes communion and addresses the Congregation, they respond with "Fuckin
aye!")
THE BENEDICTION
(After the congregation has taken communion,
the PRIEST traces crosses (X) over the Congregation with the Wrench of
Maintenance as he recites:)
PRIEST:
"May your Bike always start on the First Kick,
May you enjoy the wind in your hair and bugs
in your teeth to a ripe old age,
May the highway always be wide open in front
of you as you ride off into the sunset."
(The PRIEST jumps on the bike with the Priestess,
and rides off.)
(The DEACON and Altar Bros. follow.)
(Music)
© unknown, author(s) - unknown
© 2001 Mother
(page layout only)
