Schrodinger's Cat ================= Dramatic lighting effects flickered across the room which was filled with sounds of bubbling liquids, noxious fumes and Very Expensive Equipment. Equipment which was not only meant to impress the layman but left the average scientist wondering what sort of leverage[1] the owner had used to get a grant that size. In the centre of the room sat a box. A black box, appropriately enough, with no windows. It was about large enough to hold a reasonable sized cat and some electronic equipment. A scientist made some adjustments to a particularly impressive looking knob on a rather grand machine whose apparent purpose was to fill one quarter of the laboratory and flash its lights. Then he went over to the box and lifted its lid. Taking out a spanner he made some last-minute adjustments to the vial of poison, the Geiger counter and the radioactive source. Carefully he carried a wickerwork basket across to the box and, pausing only to put on leather gloves and smock and a metal helmet left over from the hub wars [2], he lifted a black cat from the basket. Flinching from its rapid paw strike and hiss, cringing at the scrape of claw on metal, he forced the ball of hair and bad-temper into the box, slamming the lid down with a resounding thooomm like the lid of a lead lined coffin sealing shut. "Now for the important bit" he thought. Opening a panel in the back of the largest machine with the flashing lights he took out a white coat with a stopwatch in one pocket and a slide rule and pens in another. He adjusted his fine wig of white hair until it gave the impression of having been dragged through a hedge both ways and opened his journal[3]. "Today I plan to summon and control Death by means of an experiment. No longer shall it be the privilege of wizards to perform the Rite Of Ashk-Ente, no longer shall they be sole observers of the Endless One. I shall finally put Science on a respectable footing, able to see the Gods!!!!" Although it left a lot to be desired as a piece of prose (especially the triple exclamation marks) this was later to be published in a collection of the worst ever lines from scientific journals and would have got its author a prize if they could have sneaked it into the padded cell. Slowly, ceremoniously, he threw a large switch and power surged through the room, a tiny amount of it feeding into the geiger counter. He checked his stopwatch. Precisely 37.53 seconds later he threw the switch again and the power stopped. The silence that followed was as profound as the pause in conversation at a party when you suddenly, loudly, say something very embarrassing. Then a figure entered the room without bothering to come through the usual space-time continuum. Nevertheless the scientist, senses honed by years working in a university where promotion to larger lab space only occurred when the previous occupant was removed to a lab 6 feet beneath the earth, noticed its entrance. The figure was dressed in a black cloak with a black hood and had a permanent skull-like grin. Although normally only visible to wizards and cats he was now quite evident to the scientist who thought he detected a somewhat perplexed look on the face of his visitor. ERRR, EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THE BOX PLEASE? "I'm sorry, it is part of an experiment" he replied, thinking ecstatically "It worked! I shall get the Hovis Prize!!!"[4] Death took out an hour glass from his cloak and looked at it. Unfortunately the glass seemed to blur the view sufficiently for him not to be sure if the sands had run out or not. ERRR, I HAD A STRANGE URGE TO COME HERE BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY. SUCH A PITY AS I WAS HAVING A VERY GOOD FONDLE OF BRIDGE. "It's a rubber of bridge" SORRY The scientist explained about the cat and how his theory showed that it was neither dead nor alive until they looked at it. "It's all a question of Quantum Mechanics you see!!!" I NEVER REALISED QUANTUMS BROKE DOWN added death, to whom the phrase "moving with the times" meant dancing to rythmic music. SO WHY DON'T WE JUST LOOK AT IT? THEN WE COULD BOTH GO HOME "But don't you see the importance of this? I have successfully summoned you and bound you to this point. You cannot leave until we know if the cat is alive or dead. I have the power. More power than anyone before!!! More power Igor!!!" At this point Death decided it would be best to cut the Gordian knot and swung his scythe gently at a bank of instruments next to him. Sparks flew up and a mighty series of explosions ensued bringing down the house and the property prices in the neighbourhood. When the dust had settled, the cats in the alley watched a tall bony figure stroll out of the ruins scratching a rather quiet, rather dead black cat behind the ears and whistling. Faintly they could also hear the mewling of a scientist finally losing his last shreds of sanity as he realised his error and started to plan another experiment in Quantum Mechanics. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [1] Leverage in the form of photographic evidence, kidnapping of the chairman's children and supply of illicit favours were considered the norm for scientists in Ankh-Morpork, for this is where our story is set. To get a really large grant required something far more imaginative. [2] After the hub wars, which resulted in nothing at all, the kings were at a loss as to what to do with their armies and armour. Many soldiers set up antique stores selling the latter and had found plenty of customers in wizards and scientists who, although their apparent arts were almost complete opposites, had a great deal in common. [3] Scientists, likes witches and wizards, appreciate that what is important is that other people know you are a scientist because then, by definition, what you do is science and must, therefore, be scientific. Thus you have to wear the uniform of a scientist, the white coat and mad hair replacing a wizard's staff and pointy hat. Witches call this 'headology' and recognise it as one of the most potent forms of magic capable even of selling a washing powder as "new and improved" when in fact it is worse and more expensive. [4] The Hovis Prize was awarded each year to the scientist who made the most useful discovery and was named after the great Albert Hovis who invented sliced bread.