NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra, and Michelle go out for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra,
and Michelle. But if Michael, Phillip, Robert, and
Johnathan go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head,
and Useless.
EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob, and John will
each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total is only
$22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and
none will actually admit they want change back. When the
girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will
pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
(Editor note to married men: Forget your mistakes.
There's no sense in two people remembering the same
thing.)
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi
wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry
her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman
gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet
are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband. A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of
some short people living in the house.
------------------------
THINGY:
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE:
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION:
female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with the boys.
BUTT:
female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn
male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run,
or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT:
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT:
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE:
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self expression and
male bonding.
--------------------------------
If men really ruled the world.......
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt
and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... "Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I
was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00
off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat
the losers.
18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you".
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump
out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
----------
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights
later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They
continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of
them
is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home,
a
thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going?
Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know
this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was ... let's see... February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer...
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I
sensed
it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's
why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid
of
being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way
I
feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to
a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in
pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty?
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..."
(She
breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... it's that I... I need some time," Martha says.
There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries
to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks
might work. "Yes," he says.
Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Fred, do you really feel
that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes"
Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Fred," she says."
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota
junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far
recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back
there
in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything
he
said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it, either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm,
did
Martha ever own a horse?"
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